5 Signs You Lack Self-Love
Self love is one of those things we should be learning about from the time we can walk or enter pre-school, and all throughout our adult lives. But sadly, most of us never received an education on what self-love really is. We confuse it with self-esteem. Or mistakenly believe it’s selfish. So we make choices in our relationships and careers, struggle with our bodies and money, suffer with emotional and mental ups and downs without realizing that a lack of self-love is at the root.
A lack of self-love is at the root of every challenge and self-sabotaging or self-limiting choice we make. Yet most people don’t truly know what self-love is.
In this post, I wanted to share with you what’s it’s taken me over two decades of study, personal experience, and teaching others to learn and understand about what self-love really is. So you could understand how to use it’s power for yourself, those you love and those you lead.
Fact #1: “Do I Love Myself ?” is not a yes-or-no question.
Most people are strong at making self-loving choices in some ways, and weak in other ways. Your power comes in knowing where you are strong and weak, and then consciously choosing to strengthen your inner foundation vs. focusing on the external desires and realities.
For example…
• You could be a rock star at work, confident and put together, and successful but a mess in your love life. Many professionally successful women over-stayed in toxic, unhealthy relationships.
• You could appear to have lots of self-esteem on the outside but you beat yourself up on the inside. No one sees the negative self-talk, worry, comparison, and judgements that run through your mind.
• You could have healthy relationships with the people in your life, but when it comes to your body, it’s like you’re at war. You neglect it, push it, or treat it like a workhorse.
• You could be settling in your career or life — you can check all the boxes for a good or successful life, but it’s not the life your heart and soul really desires.
• You could be overgiving to everyone else — to your work, family, friends, community — and sacrificing your needs. Overworking, burnout and overwhelm are all signs of a lack of self-love.
Self-love is the foundation of a person’s happiness, health, relationships, career — everything. How strong is your foundation?
Fact #2: If you don’t know where your inner foundation is weak, it’s impossible to to strengthen it.
You will just keep trying to patch the cracks vs. getting to the root. If you can get to the root, and heal and deal with what’s really going on inside your heart, your outside reality changes.
My big wake up to my wobbly inner foundation was almost 20 years ago, when after an unexpected and painful ending of my engagement. The Universe delivered to me a very specific message, “Christine you have self-esteem, but you lack self-love.” I knew this was truth. And I began to see how I almost signed myself up for an unhealthy marriage, and a life I didn’t want. I had been willing to sacrifice my big dreams to keep the love of another.
This wake up call led me to seek help — a therapist, spiritual teachers, guidance beyond what I was learning in my MBA program— but no one could tell me what self-love really was. When I asked, I kept getting these vague answers like “You need to learn to love myself. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.”
But I wanted to know HOW to love myself, and how to know whether I was doing it well or not. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes again. I wanted to go deeper, to know my heart, so I could stay true to myself in all parts of my life. So I started experimenting with myself. Two decades later, I can share without a doubt that loving yourself s not an achievement you can check off.
Fact #3: Loving yourself is a path, a practice and a choice — not a destination or achievement.
Loving yourself is a choice you make, or don’t, every day and in the bigger choices you make for yourself. There are 10 different kinds of self-love, of which self-esteem is only 1. You need all to be strong to have a strong inner foundation. You need to build this foundation in a way that supports the life you want to create, regardless of what relationship or job you have. And just like the foundation of a house, it needs care and maintenance.
For the past decade, I’ve taught over 35,000 people through bestselling books, and I’ve trained teachers, therapists, coaches, parents, and guides on 6 continents through the social impact organization, The Path of Self Love School, I founded. And what has emerged are real steps to cultivating this strong inner foundation of self.
Fact #4: There are REAL steps to creating a strong self-love foundation for yourself.
- The first step is self-awareness — understanding where you are weak and where you are strong in self-love, so you can strengthen your inner foundation.
- The second step is self-empowerment — choosing to strengthen your self-love by choosing to do things differently.
If we don’t have practical ways to bring self-love into our lives, it will continue to stay a mental concept or cute #hashtag, vs the powerful medicine it is.
Fact #5: If you don’t know how to embody and articulate self-love for yourself, you cannot model it for others, including the children you love.
Which is why 12 years ago I create international Self-Love Day — February 13th — to bring awareness to self-love and make it practical in our daily life. Yes, it is the day before Valentine’s Day on purpose.
Every Self Love Day, people:
- Take a pause to assess where their self-love is weak and strong, to identify what area of self-love to grow and strengthen this year.
- Make a promise to themselves — which they will keep all year long — that supports them to strengthen their capacity to make self-loving choices in this area.
I invite you to join us — to reveal where you can grow your inner foundation of self-love, and as a result make shift happen from the inside out in your life. You can take the short self-assessment here or take the Self Love Quiz at www.SelfLoveQuiz.com
5 Signs That You Are Loving Yourself … or Not
(and the Promises You Can Make to Yourself to Love Yourself Better)
Are you:
1. Settling, in any way, for less than your heart and soul desire in your life? Playing small. Letting fear stop you. Sacrificing your dreams. Procrastinating. Listening to conventional wisdom instead of going for the life your heart and soul are craving.
SELF LOVE PROMISE: I promise to never settle for less than my heart and soul desire.
2. Staying in relationships that don’t support you or fully honor you? Relationships that drain you or degrade you, dishonor you in any way. Are you holding on to friends, lovers, or clients who aren’t supporting you to grow or be your best self? Lacking the kinds of friendships you deserve or the right number of soul family members around you?
SELF-LOVE PROMISE: I promise to only have loving, respectful relationships.
3. Being hard on yourself? Criticizing instead of appreciating yourself. Putting pressure on yourself.
SELF-LOVE PROMISE: I promise to be gentle, kind, and compassionate with myself, always.
4. Treating your body poorly? Neglecting it. Treating it like a workhorse or slave. Being mean to it. Hating on it, instead of adoring it and treating it like a temple, even with wrinkles and cellulite.
SELF LOVE PROMISE: I promise to treat my body like a sacred temple.
5. Sacrificing what you really desire and what you need, giving more than you have to give?
SELF-LOVE PROMISE: I promise to take care of and stay true to myself, even if that means disappointing another.
These are all signs that you are not loving yourself. And this is the realm of your self-love foundation. It’s what you most need to focus on this year, making and keeping the promise to love yourself in this way.
How to Strengthen Your Inner Foundation Through Self-Love
1. Choose one area of self-love to grow — choose the one that feels like it will have the most impact on your life this year, the area you really desire to see change in.
2. Make ONE promise that will help you give yourself the love you most need this year. You can use the self-love promises written here or write your own. To learn more about choosing a self-love promise, you can get a free Self-Love Promise Kit here.
3. Write down your promise as an act of committing to it.
4. Write down one small but mighty action you will take this week to keep your promise.
I’ll go first…
PROMISE: I promise to stay true to myself, even if that means disappointing another.
ACTION: I will keep my commitment to always take space for myself after leading a retreat or having a big event. So the day after Self-Love Day, no work! I take the day to replenish and regenerate my life force. Even though I have lots of work to do to get ready for the Path of Self-Love School’s spring semester, I will ask others to support me.
Now it’s your turn..
Christine Arylo, MBA, is the author of Madly in Love with Me and Choosing ME before WE. A women’s leadership adviser, transformational teacher, and bestselling author, she works with people to make shift happen — in the lives they lead, the work they do, and the impact they desire to make. Arylo now hosts the Feminine Power Time podcast (www.FemininePowerTime.com) and is also the founder of the Path of Self-Love School, a social-impact organization dedicated to making the teachings of self-love available to all people, everywhere.
To take the Self Love Quiz, which helps you reveal where your inner foundation is weak and strong, go to www.SelfLoveQuiz.com
